Don’t Look Down

I am fed up. Erin wrote her story. Bilie wrote his. Emily wrote hers.
Now, it's my turn.

As of recently I have been blind.

I thought things were good. Bilie was being slightly edgy but I let it go. Emily was not changing her ways and I gave up. I was so blind as to our slow dissinegration.

It kills me that in 3 months 2 weeks and 1 day Emily leaves because I'm quite sure that if prom hasn't, this summer will break us.

Prom was awful. I cried five times. I held back countless tears on top of that. I hated that my girlfriend barely wanted to dance with me and that I had to watch my best friend treat her boyfriend like shit. It sickened me. On top of that I felt cast aside by my other best friend because he wanted his new best friends more than he wanted us. i realize it wasnt nessecarially that way but i felt it at thqat moment regardless. Apparently we couldnt have had fun without them. Prom was terrible. i do not in any way find any of this lately would be any different had we brought the "little things" that were bothering us up sooner. prom was ruined. emily was ridiculous and as her being my best friend it overwhelmed me. i saw deterioration right before my eyes.

i was helpless. i am helpless.
i can not make her change. i am not sure if it's worth the effort. i may need convincing on that topic.


I had more fun Saturday night when i was with people i didn't know and i was wasted. I could forget what a bitch everyone had been being.

i cant wait to leave some people but i will cry my eyes out over leaving bilie. i wish he knew that yes, he's losing us, but we're losing not only EVERYONE but EVERYTHING FAMILIAR. he will be home. he will have familiarity. we wont.


all i have to say is this. i will not feel bad because you go home and cry everynight because if the roles were reversed you wouldn't either. i will not feel guilty because "cody isn't talking to you" because you wouldnt if you were in his position. i will not mediate with you and erin. i will not mediate with you and bilie. i do not need a mediator. i am keeping to myself.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO REALIZE WHAT'S DONE IS DONE. NO REGRETS. NO TURNING BACK.

I'm moving forward. Bilie and i have never been this close. Erin and I have never been so sane. Emily has never been this large of a weight and stress on me before.

goodbye.

i'm done with livejournal.

3 months. 2 weeks. 1 day.

peace.

For the past few months, I've slowly been cracking but as of Friday night, I'm gone. I'm done.

I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of Bryan being waited on hand and foot. I'm tired of not being acknowledged. I'm tired of not existing. I must have missed it when someone died and Nancy became queen of the world. I hate going into my kitchen and not being able to find the fucking saran wrap, as silly as it sounds, because she's moved it. She's moved everything.

I can't wait to leave.

I'm sitting here at ten o'clock on a Sunday night, watching the Food Network. I haven't been home in three days, except for twenty minutes Saturday afternoon. No one noticed. I got a phone call at 9 tonight saying, "Erin, It's dad. I'm going to sleep. Call me when you get this or I'll see you later." I could have been in fucking California for all he knows. I should have gone to California.

I'm sick of the countless amounts of money that Nancy spends on shit like new towel racks and silverware. I hate the rules she makes like how I'm not allowed to sit at her desk, eat the peppers in my fridge...just in case she decides to make a salad...and how my friends aren't allowed to take showers at my house because it's leaking and she doesn't like having to change the towel.

I'm going to have to say that my least favorite part of the day is coming home to my room, just as I left it, where as Bryan's bed is made, his floor is vacuumed, and his clothes are cleaned, folded, and neatly put away...by color, might I add.

I go to sleep at night, yearning to be somewhere anywhere but here. And then I wake up in the morning, thinking up ways as to how I can get out of going to school to avoid my friends...the people who should be my sanity.

I leave a home where I am not respected and go unnoticed, to a group of friends who care nothing about anyone but themselves and who refuse to treat me as human being.

I will not be walked all over anymore. I will not put up with your bullshit. I will not respond to you if you don't treat me as an equal. As a separate person from Jeana. We are not JeanaandErin. I am Erin Marie Schmitt. Eighteen years old. And not going to take it anymore.

I have never met anyone so cruel and cold hearted as Emily. I never knew that it was possible to be so selfish and unsympathetic. I am tired of the looks she gives Jeana when I say something that upsets her...like it's Jeana's job to do something about it. I hate when she asks Jeana if I will do something for her. I am sick of telling her things...such as DO NOT COME TO MY FUCKING HOUSE BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE SLEEPING....then still driving there...asking me again...me saying no...and then asking Jeana. Jeana is NOT in charge of my life. And as far as I'm concerned...Emily is no longer a part of my life. I've bawled my eyes out over her. Thinking about her makes me cringe and when people talk shit about her, I leave the room because I can no longer stand to hear about it.

I need a cigarette. I hope Emily realizes that she ruined my senior prom for me.

I'm not going to sleep tonight.

I hate all the caddyness. No one on the face of this earth is better than anyone else. Being friends with people means sacrifice. It means caring.

Friendship means not getting "caught up in the moment" and saying things you'll regret. Because one day, you will not be forgiven.

I don't have anything else to say right now. I'm holding back tears and the thing is, no one even cares. I deserve more than this.

I have to update soon...this year has gone by soooo fast.