Don’t Look Down

Sophomore Year

Mon, 12 May 2008 01:44:30 GMT

Once there was a journal
he opened it
and wrote about his day
Because he couldn't contain it.
He titled his entry "A New Beginning"
Because that's what it was.
His mother was proud of his grades
And he went out with his best friend every weekend
Who said that she was excited for him.
The school was too crowded with people
But he made new friends.
And the guy he just met made him feel different
And told him he knew why.
He wrote about how great he felt.
He wrote about it all
then closed the book
To hide from the world
And keep his life to himself.
So he hid it in his bedroom

Once there was a journal
he opened it
and wrote about his day
Because he couldn't contain it.
He titled his entry "A Lack of Feeling"
Because that's what it was.
His mother told him not to get distracted in school
And he went out with his best friend on occasion
Who said that she was beginning to miss him.
The school was too crowded with people
who knew what he did
But he still tried to make friends.
And the guy he just met was the guy that would change him
And told him it'll be okay.
He wrote about how confused he felt.
He wrote about it all
then closed the book
To hide from the world
And keep his life to himself
So he hid it in his bedroom

Once there was a journal
he opened it
and wrote about his day
Because he couldn't contain it.
He titled his entry "Walking in the Rain"
Because that's what it was.
His mother stopped noticing the F's.
And he never saw his best friend
Who said things will get better for him.
The school was full of people
Who used it against him
So he let go of friends.
And the guy that would change him was the guy that could save him
And told him he was safe and didn't have to be afraid.
He wrote about how scared he felt.
He wrote about it all
then closed the book
To hide from the world
And keep his life to himself
So he hid it in his bedroom

Once there was a journal
he opened it
But wrote nothing
Because he had nothing to say
So he read it back.
His mother forgot he was there.
And he stopped speaking to his best friend
Who had said she couldn't deal with him any longer.
The school was empty
because he stopped talking to everyone.
And the guy that would save him was just another person
And told him there was nothing more he could do.
He didn't feel anything anymore.
So he stood in the bathroom
And took as many fucking pills as he could
Because it was all he could depend on
Then he closed the book
To hide from himself
And keep his life a memory
Because he knew he wouldn't make it back to his bedroom

I Just Quit Limelight

Mon, 05 May 2008 21:39:19 GMT

I hope I made the right choice.
It just seemed like a waste of time to go to these rehearsals for, literally, two scenes...especially when I don't do anything significant and my grades are tanking.
And its not as if I've gone to any of my rehearsals. Between being stacked with work and "I don't feel well", I've missed a lot. And then the whole, going to rehab situation. I have no idea what's going on.
But I know I'll regret it.
I regretted it while I was saying it.

But the thing is, I don't even care about the show.

Its crazy how one specific thing can manipulate my actions...

I Can't Even Go Outside

Thu, 01 May 2008 22:04:33 GMT

"Hey Brandon! Go suck a dick, faggot!"

These Are My Friends

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:34:29 GMT

I just got back home and I met some pretty cool people where I was. I probably got closer to those people in the 24-48 hours I was there than my friends whom I've known for years. It just sucks that I'll probably never see them again...except for one girl because I just found her on Facebook! Of course it'll be a while before she goes home and can accept my request.

Alex - 13 years old. Maybe eighth grade or freshman. I don't know. One of the coolest kids ever. Him and I sat and talked, non-stop, hours at a time. He's been in the facility for over 4 months. The original reason was for being severely beaten by his parents. He actually stole his father's gun and tried to kill himself. It was only until we had our second hour-long conversation, I found out his parents beat him for being gay. Now he's staying there as a safety protocol. He has nowhere to go and they've been searching for a foster home for him since he showed up. He's leaving this Friday. His foster parents are a lesbian couple so he's excited that he won't have to feel insecure. Then, after a year, he's moving out to California to live with his aunt and uncle. He also has a journal that he keeps with him at all times. Nobody has ever read it and he doesn't talk to his psychologist. He just writes it all down. That made me realize how unhealthy it actually is. I told him that I do the same thing and I got him to promise to write in it less. I really wish I could have kept in contact with him.

Gemini: You'll get the chance to spend time with someone you really look up to and learn some really valuable lessons. .

Mindy - 16 years old. Sophomore at Andrew Warde. I just found her on Facebook. She's basically there for the same reason I am. She said something stupid that she didn't mean and now we're sitting on the couch talking. She got in a few days earlier than me. The police actually came in to her school and took her out. It really sucks considering she just moved here a few months ago from Florida. Reputation stained. She was probably the only real person there. No real, uncommon issues. Just spoke before she thought which resulted in her best friend calling the police. I'll probably still talk to her once she gets out.

Darien - 14 years old. Half Italian/Half Puerto Rican. (For real.) Freshman in Bridgeport. His reason for being there? Sex-addict. He was so funny and just awesome to talk to. But everything that came out of his mouth had to do with "making babies" and "going down" on people. He was so drugged up, he was half-asleep the whole time. I never really saw him awake. He got separated from the group a few times for being sexually inappropriate. At one point he even started yelling about how he's crazy because he hasn't gotten any in two months. He got sent to the facility for cutting in the school bathroom. When I asked him why, he said it was because he's gay. He had dozens of bracelets on his left arm up to his elbow. He wore long-sleeves all the time. During group, the nurse asked him to take them off because he was getting distracted by them. When he did, I realized why they were on in the first place. He had deep scars all along his arm. He said he had been in the facility for 3 weeks.

I Know Ugliness

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 08:24:51 GMT

I'm lying down, half naked, in a hospital bed.
My parents just got here.
I have needles in my arm.
We're waiting for the doctor.
Then psychiatric evaluation.

Now show me something pretty.

Turning Around

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 17:34:07 GMT

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Its so hard not to write in this journal every day. I'm going to stop depending on it and update in a healthy way. I'm giving myself a livejournal allowance -- once a week for now...maybe twice if it doesn't have to do with emotional stress-related shit. Then I'll lengthen the time as I progress. I'm a legit livejournal addict...and its not healthy.
I'm trying this new thing called living. Its where I take what I get and stop trying to find a reason for it. Life doesn't make sense. There's no answer to these questions. The most I can do is live it out...even if I really don't want to.
I had the worst spring break ever -- including alcohol, police, crying, midnight walks on the streets, amish country, chocolate, confusing fights with myself, and all coming to the climax of getting kicked out of my house.
But I won't get in to it because I'm not an analytical person. At least I'm trying not to be...

I'm staying after school with Gallagher tomorrow. I need to bring up my grades...
Only two more years 'till I'm out of here.

So...
I'm trying.

New Plan

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 02:16:07 GMT

Stay away from LiveJournal for as long as possible.

I won't abandon it. I'm just not going to spill out my thoughts...

Just trying something new.

How Did I Unlearn The Truth?

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:45:30 GMT

I still haven't said what I've been trying to say. Well -- I haven't exactly been "trying". Its been more between the whole feelings vs thoughts thing.
All I really have to do is press the Call button and keep the phone to my ear.
Then again, I've gotten that far... Then the words that come out aren't the ones I called for.

I'm so distracted by everything.
My most recent test grade: 8/100
I'm fucking up school.
I'm fucking up my life.

My life is going to turn out completely different than I want it to -- in more ways than one.
I don't want the life I know I'll get.
That's the thought that's always going through my head and controlling my actions...until I pick up the phone and realize everything will be okay...
I hate myself.

Now I Stand At A Crossroad -- And I Stare At A Question

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:16:32 GMT

I don't know which way I should go.
I'm lost right now. Would it be better off to run and hope I find my way...or turn back and start from the beginning?
I want to say yes so badly. I just feel weird saying it. I should have answered the second I was asked.
I want to give a response to this. I'm sick saying nothing all the time. It doesn't get me anywhere.

I don't know who I am...
I want to agree and say yes. I have to...
On the positive side, I'll know the answer to who I am. Definitely.
On the other hand... I'll know the answer to who I am...

I'm afraid to find out...but at the same time, I want to find out. I have to before I do something I can't undo.
The past few months, I thought this would fix it. I know it will.
My feelings are telling me to do it...its just my thoughts that are stopping the answer from coming out of my mouth.

That's been my problem the whole time -- I know how I feel...but my thoughts are telling me its wrong.

Keep Looking Forward

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:50:40 GMT

I really regret not auditioning for Funny Girl.
I've learned that I can't let my nerves control me because all it leads to is poor decisons.
I made a phone call.
I'm in the ensemble.

I'm glad I'm starting to build up the courage to fight my nerves. Maybe I'll be able to say what I want to say sometime soon.

Didn't You See How No One In There Cared?

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 20:00:36 GMT

I thought this was getting easier.
I still get these overwhelming feelings when I'm around a lot of people. I'm not very subtle about it -- hugging a pillow, avoiding eye-contact, sitting outside alone for over an hour...
I just can't handle being around people.
I had a massive headache but I couldn't do anything about it because someone stole my painreliever while we were performing.

I wish I could have said something in person. I wish I could have gone back inside. I should have said something.
I'm an idiot.

My recent entries have all been set to private.
I don't want people knowing anything about me anymore...

'Guess I'm Not The Fighting Kind

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 20:14:04 GMT

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to a moment and stay there.
I wasn't insecure. I wasn't afraid. I never thought about anything other than what was in front of me.
I felt so sure.
I didn't feel ugly. I didn't feel like I needed to change. I didn't feel like it was wrong.
I didn't need to stare in the mirror to try and figure out who I am.
The thoughts I have now didn't exist.
I just wish that feeling could have lasted instead of turning in to this.
If you had told me that I would be nearly killing myself because of that moment...it would have never crossed my mind.
I was in a completely different place than where I am today.
I want to leave...

And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend.

If They Knew...

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 20:39:02 GMT

Becky went to go see Bare in Bellmore, NY on Saturday. Of course she asked me if I wanted to go.
Bare is amazing.
I already had a ride. All I needed was $20.
I ask my parents for the okay. Since my mom has never heard of it, she wanted to know what the show's about. She looks it up online.
My parents didn't let me go because Bare is about two high school guys...that are gay.
That was their reason.
They weren't even subtle and tried, "Its too short notice." or "Its too far away." Just...something.
When they found out, my mom sort of laughed and my dad rolled his eyes. I just kind of stood there awkwardly and tried not to act weird.
So, I didn't go see it.
Becky told me it was a terrible performance anyways so I'm not that upset anymore.

At least not about missing the show.

I See You And Forget The Pain

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 02:07:20 GMT

I have nowhere left to turn.
I want to talk to this person so badly. Its literally killing me. I'm just afraid because actually speaking in person is my last option. But if they decide they don't want to deal with me and say that they can't help...
I guess I just feel like there's still a way out...but if I turn to them and they turn away, I'll be alone.
...More alone. Then I would only have one other choice.

I just hate having these feelings and realizing that its pointless.
I wish there was a way...

I've resorted to going to other people for painkillers. I went around during rehearsal. Elissa said she had Midal but I didn't want to grow a vagina or something. Thankfully, Carly had Advil. I don't even think it was really Advil. She had them in a prescription bottle and gave me a good amount. My head stopped throbbing after a while. I'm starting to question if I have a legit headache or if I'm imagining it. I sound like such a druggie.

I just wish there was a way to escape this...or make it easier.

Funeral For A Friend

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 03:58:34 GMT

This is a poem between two people...

His mind was full of secrets
His thoughts were full of fear
His heart was feeling empty
Help never did appear

The thoughts that swirled inside me
The secrets that I hid
All went against the life I lived
I knew He would forbid

No one could give guidance
This option seemed the only way
But never will he see the pain
Or stain he left today

I'm sorry I couldn't live that life
I was so alone and afraid
I tried so hard to talk to Him
He never listened when I prayed

People often ask
"Is there more we could have done?
Is there more we should have said
Or had the fear already won?"

I tried so hard to talk to you
I didn't think you heard me calling --
Shouting for your help in this
So I could walk...and finish crawling.

Standing outside in the rain
All he asked for was protection
Of all the empathy he searched for
He only got rejection

I went to them for guidance
They knew not what to say
Your help was all that worked for me
Your words got me through another day

I stand here today
And try to figure out
How to make this work
But I keep coming back to doubt.

Now I know how he had felt --
To try and find solutions --
To have more questions than his answers
and result in more confusion

I'm sorry I couldn't help you.
I'm sorry I caused you pain.
I'm sorry I didn't understand.
I'm sorry I couldn't explain.

I wish you were here.
I wish you were here.
I wish this could change.
I wish you were near.

Maybe one day it'll make sense.
Maybe one day you will see.
Maybe one day I'll look back

and see that all you really needed...was me.

Leave A Chair For Me

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 03:31:47 GMT

I'm not getting anywhere.
I try...but I fail. Every time.
I should be walking straight... Instead I'm going around in circles.

My stomach feels like its going to explode.
I tried taking aspirin but it just made it worse.
Maybe he's right... I need to quit popping pills.
I passed out for a little while. I'm not sure if it was out of pain or lack of sleep.

If I just open up my mouth and say "I want to talk to you", I wouldn't need to resort to the things I've been resorting to.
I want it more than anything but I'm too afraid to even say so.

I need to stop going down this road of using drugs, alcohol and hurting myself to escape my fears.
I'm afraid one day I'll take it too far.

I try to think of how I can get passed this. I'm trying to think of a future...And I don't see anything.
I don't want to end up the way I feel that I will.

Still you know
There’s so much more to find –
Another dream, another love you’ll hold.

No Voice, No Sound, No Words

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 23:23:33 GMT

This whole "happy" thing is so much harder than it sounds.
Eventually the emo in me overflows.

Its hard to be around people. Its even harder to be alone. I don't know where to go.
People make me feel insecure. But I'm scared when I'm alone.
I'm so confused about everything. All I know is that I need to talk...

I want this to go away. I'm afraid of everything.
I wish I could just open my mouth and say "I need to talk to you." but I'm too afraid to even do that.
The only time I can get myself to speak up is when I scare myself so much, I'm afraid I won't be able to control what I do...so then I get the courage to speak.
I can't keep this up.
And my head won't stop pounding...

How did a simple thing get complicated?
Days crawl by, I ask myself again,
Should I have waited?
In a world that's quick to judge,
I will try to understand.
It's so hard to find your way
When you have no voice to guide you.

I've Never Felt So Bare

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 00:25:28 GMT

The more I contain my feelings in public,
the worse they come out when I'm alone.

I'm so afraid of life, I don't even know what to do anymore.

So much left to say
Trapped alone here
Soul search, seeking some lost answer
From a God who loves me

Can I turn to You in my need?
Would You take me back or watch me bleed?
Are You there? There at all?
And as I fall from the person that I tried to be
Could You really love someone like me?

Try To Bury Something So Intense

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:43:12 GMT

Day one of containing depression/confusion/myself :

It was pretty successful. I kind of felt the way I did before my fall.
Granted, there were a few shitty, freaked-out moments of the day. For the most part, it worked.
Its weird because I still have that feeling where my stomach sinks and my chest tightens out of fear...but I can still act as if I'm okay. Its not the best feeling but it may go away in time.
I think I can keep this up.

Only about 32,000 days left.
That shouldn't be too hard...right?

In The Silence Will He Stay One Day?

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 01:43:11 GMT

I'm not sure how long I can go covering this up.
I almost said it to them once before. I was so freaked out about it. Thankfully I didn't say what I was thinking...or I probably did but I tend to mumble. Thank God that I can't speak English properly.
I know I'll probably feel better once I just let it out and say it. On the other hand, its most likely going to be used against me like its been in the past. I should probably just continue to try and shut it out of my thoughts...even if it doesn't work... How long until this goes away? The feelings are still here. Its been months of convincing myself otherwise.
As long as they don't ask me about it...and I stay away from alcohol, I'll be fine.
Its hard for me to lie about this. Its even harder to fight myself. I'm such a stubborn bitch...

I have two personalities: 'what I want' and 'what I feel'.
Unfortunately, feelings are stronger than thoughts.
A man can convince himself to think a certain way, but his feelings don't listen.

I'm so confused about everything. Being alone only causes more thinking which then causes more confusion. I should probably speak to them and let everything come out -- find out how I truly feel rather than how I want to feel.
Maybe I should just open my mouth.

I Need To Know That I’m Okay

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 03:38:35 GMT

I thought a lot today and I tried to figure out where my feelings are coming from. I know that where I am now didn't come directly out of the original situation. There was some chain reaction that occurred and threw me.
And I actually progressed with my thoughts...

How I feel now doesn't have anything to do with who I am. I was fine being myself...and I was happy before everything fucked up. People were getting involved, asking questions, starting rumors. Everything kind of blew up. Then I was alone. I regret everything and that's why I hate who I am. All its caused me is shit. I know its just an obstacle and "Its high school. Things get better." But when I started thinking of how my life would be, I realized its not what I want.
At the same time, if things stayed the way they were and I had the chance to figure everything out, I probably would have accepted myself. If I had someone to make me realize I'm not alone in the ways my friends couldn't... I just needed someone to talk to when I didn't know where to go...but I ended up getting lost because that person left.
It hurts to feel something so intense that won't go away and not even have a friendship.
I realized today that I'm not depressed-- I'm just really hurt. I think that's why talking to them is the only thing that makes me feel better.
All of this turned me away from who I was, and my pain ended up changing who I am. Its caused so much crying and bad dreams. It hurts so much, I'm just turned off from it altogether. It does nothing for me because of what its done to me.
People say everything happens for a reason...I guess this was it.
But the feelings that were the cause of this all still haven't faded...

Spending days in silent fear,
And spending nights in lonely prayer.
Hoping that one day when you wake,
Those feelings won't be there

These Feelings Aren't Going Away

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 21:40:55 GMT

I read some of the things I posted back when I began going downhill. I realized that I still feel the same way I did then.
I'm so fucking confused. I want this to go away.
So much for talking everything out...that never happened. They don't even care to. I think I should probably force myself to say something if talking is the only thing that seems to fix things anymore.

Gallagher is being painfully obvious in being sympathetic. She stopped me in the middle of the hallway before first period to ask if I was okay. I said I was fine. "Okay...Just checking up on you..."
During class, she asked if I wanted to work with Tina, even though she hates it when we sit near each other. She goes in to a rage.

I've tried to figure things out but I never got a chance to. I was left alone and I feel uncomfortable / embarrassed / criticized and so many other things when talking about it to anyone else. The only person that I can talk comfortably to doesn't even care to talk. I hate that more than anything. It hurts so much that I feel this way and can't do anything about it no matter how hard I've tried.
I'm getting to the point of going out and walking up to the first person I see -- just try and get somewhere.

Maybe you just have to sleep in someone else's bed.
Maybe you just have to keep searching for something.

If Only I Could Find The Answer To Take It All Away

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:24:07 GMT

I was standing in the bathroom, ready to do it again. Instead I just sat down and cried.
When I left the stall, I made my way to the mirror. Every time I feel hurt or I'm upset with myself, I always stare at myself in the mirror. It gives me some sort of comfort. Maybe because I see I'm still the same person, maybe because it shows me things aren't as bad as they feel, maybe because I don't feel alone. Whatever the reason, I stood there looking at myself for a long time.
The bell rang. I ignored it. I'm still a mess.
I clean myself up a few minutes later, then make my way to class. Of course I'm late.
Gallagher tells everyone to make their way to the library. I stand up to leave.

Gallagher: Brandon...stay.

The class leaves. She waits a while for everyone to walk ahead, then we start walking.
Gallagher: Why were you late again?
I shrug.
Gallagher: That's not an answer...
I don't say anything.
Gallagher: I told you if this happens again, I want a two-page paper on why you can't make it to class on time.
Me: Yeah...
Gallagher: You're late almost everyday. I think you need to start taking this class more seriously. I feel like you walk in, sit down and wait for the bell to ring. You don't listen when I'm teaching. You sit and completely zone everything out... What do you think you can do to change that, because what you do in class now will effect you later on.
I ignore her invitation to respond.
Gallagher: Well... Are you going to say anything?
Me: I have nothing to say.
There's a silence.
Me: I have a B...
Gallagher: Only because you seem to actually be reading Hamlet. Your always late to class, you don't pay attention, you never hand in your assignments. If you have a personal thing you're dealing with, you need to tell me. I'm not going to ask what its about but if there's something going on with you, you need to just tell me.
Shit. I'm tearing up. I haven't had enough time to stabilize myself again. I'm still half-crying from sitting in the bathroom 5 minutes ago.
Gallagher: If there's a reason why you didn't do an assignment, I'll give you extra time...but don't go on and cause me to think you just don't care.
I don't say anything. I only nod. I'm avoiding eye-contact right now. Its obvious.
Gallagher: Okay...are you alright?
Me: Yeah, I'm fine...
Gallagher: Just say something next time... Do you need to sit and --
Me: No, I'm fine.
I walk away.

You Live So Much Its Like You're Dying

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 22:38:10 GMT

I feel as if everything is slowly coming to an end. I still don't know who the fuck I am. All I know is that I'm a depressed, confused, fucked-up, dumbass.

I've still been beating myself up for being stupid enough to believe they did it for me. What I've learned from all this is never to believe someone who says "I want to help." Now when I need it the most, I don't have anything. I have addictions, fears, and insecurities from the "help" I got and the only thing that can get rid of it all isn't here.
Nothing right now is real anymore.
Nothing I've done has gotten me anywhere.
I just need to give up on myself. I'm hopeless.

I'm A Bigger Mess Than I Thought

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 21:59:00 GMT

I need to stop hiding how I feel because it makes everything worse. I want to talk things out but I'm not sure if I'm just annoying by trying so much.

I definitely said something I shouldn't have said.
I wish I could remember whatever the hell it was.
It had to be something bad when the response to "What did I say to you?" is "I don't remember."

Emma called and told me she listened to the messages. Apparently I talked about the other phone call. Unfortunately, I never mentioned anything about what I said.
My messages to Emma did make more sense out of the situation. I know I was outside in the first place because I can't handle everything but Emma said it sounded like I was about to cry. In the message, I was freaking out about myself and how I hate who I am and I'm not sure about anything. I told her I was running away because my parents don't accept it and I'm afraid to deal with them. That explains why I woke up in the middle of the woods.
That was also a part of the reason why I made my second phone call. I was afraid. I said that I needed to talk and they were the only person that "makes me feel normal again".
I have to know what I said over the phone...Its freaking me out. Its the amount of things I've thought about that could have come out of my mouth within those 4 minutes we talked.
I don't want to fuck this up...