Don’t Look Down

I thought a lot today and I tried to figure out where my feelings are coming from. I know that where I am now didn't come directly out of the original situation. There was some chain reaction that occurred and threw me.
And I actually progressed with my thoughts...

How I feel now doesn't have anything to do with who I am. I was fine being myself...and I was happy before everything fucked up. People were getting involved, asking questions, starting rumors. Everything kind of blew up. Then I was alone. I regret everything and that's why I hate who I am. All its caused me is shit. I know its just an obstacle and "Its high school. Things get better." But when I started thinking of how my life would be, I realized its not what I want.
At the same time, if things stayed the way they were and I had the chance to figure everything out, I probably would have accepted myself. If I had someone to make me realize I'm not alone in the ways my friends couldn't... I just needed someone to talk to when I didn't know where to go...but I ended up getting lost because that person left.
It hurts to feel something so intense that won't go away and not even have a friendship.
I realized today that I'm not depressed-- I'm just really hurt. I think that's why talking to them is the only thing that makes me feel better.
All of this turned me away from who I was, and my pain ended up changing who I am. Its caused so much crying and bad dreams. It hurts so much, I'm just turned off from it altogether. It does nothing for me because of what its done to me.
People say everything happens for a reason...I guess this was it.
But the feelings that were the cause of this all still haven't faded...


Spending days in silent fear,
And spending nights in lonely prayer.
Hoping that one day when you wake,
Those feelings won't be there