Don’t Look Down

I'm such a mess.
I cried like, all night yesterday and I don't even know what it was about. I didn't really have anything to do so I sat and read my journal from the beginning. (Surprisingly, it didn't take nearly as long as I thought.) It wasn't such a good idea. Everything that I've finished dealing with came back to me. Its one of those moments where you think about something that's over with and you get pissed off and emotional all over again.
At 2 in the morning, I'm standing in the middle of the street, alone. (I don't think I need to spell it out for you.) For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to call someone. I called two people. I remember I left Emma a few messages because her phone was off. I rambled on about how I hate my life, I told her I "did it again" and my parents hate me. Then I talked about someone else and said I was going to call them because it would make me feel better. So I called...and that's all I remember... I have no idea what I said. I have the massive headache to prove it.
I called Emma today. She was at the mall...so it was pretty loud. She said that she got my messages but she hasn't listened to them yet. I told her not to listen to them. There was a lot of background noise and she didn't hear what I said.

I need to stop hiding how I feel because it makes everything worse. I want to talk things out but I'm not sure if I'm just annoying by trying so much.

I definitely said something I shouldn't have said.
I wish I could remember whatever the hell it was.
It had to be something bad when the response to "What did I say to you?" is "I don't remember."


Emma called and told me she listened to the messages. Apparently I talked about the other phone call. Unfortunately, I never mentioned anything about what I said.
My messages to Emma did make more sense out of the situation. I know I was outside in the first place because I can't handle everything but Emma said it sounded like I was about to cry. In the message, I was freaking out about myself and how I hate who I am and I'm not sure about anything. I told her I was running away because my parents don't accept it and I'm afraid to deal with them. That explains why I woke up in the middle of the woods.
That was also a part of the reason why I made my second phone call. I was afraid. I said that I needed to talk and they were the only person that "makes me feel normal again".
I have to know what I said over the phone...Its freaking me out. Its the amount of things I've thought about that could have come out of my mouth within those 4 minutes we talked.
I don't want to  fuck this up...