Don’t Look Down

I just received a Facebook message from XOXO.
She's right. She knows what I should do more than I do. She's right....
I know that everything she's done to me wasn't meant to turn things to shit. She's been trying to help me. It weird to think that of all people, she's the only one that never got pissed at me or gave up on trying to make things better. It was only until her plans fucked up and I bitched at her that she backed down. Of all people...she was there.
And it sucks because, apparently I'm not even close enough with her to actually know her name. She's obviously none of the people I'm currently speaking (or not speaking) to because none of them can stand me. All I do is piss them off...but XO has been completely cool about it...even if she did blow things up. Its taken me just now to realize that.
But what she's telling me to do is too much. I just don't have the strength to say anything. I've spoken less in the past three days than I have in an average hour. I don't speak because I just get bitched at. I don't speak because I don't have anything to say anymore. I don't speak because no one cares. They don't get it. I wish someone could understand.

But I'm an idiot because I have someone who understands. I'm just too nervous to say something.
I don't speak. All I do is sit and listen to my iPod. That's all I need right now -- Livejournal and my iPod -- as pathetic as that is. My iPod to understand my emotions and reflect on everything...my Livejournal to  write it down.
The thing is that  now, I need someone smarter than an iPod to listen to and someone more helpful than a journal to talk to. I know who I'm supposed to talk to...and listen to. XO knows it too.

Too bad I'm so afraid of everything.

I signed off.

My dad insults the way I talk, the way I act, the movies I watch, the music I listen to.
Everything I do "worries him"

Dad: Stop talking like a girl...
Me: What?
(He laughs...apparently I just said that like a girl.)
Me: What the hell...
(He imitates me in a gay voice.)
Me: Wow, shut up.

I'm literally on the verge of just punching him in the face but even that wouldn't make me feel better.