Don’t Look Down

I noticed that today...
They're up against me and are always being hugged with my left arm...like a girl.

I'm trying to figure out when I started doing this. I never used to hold my books like this. I remember I always held them down by my waist in my left hand. That was like, when school first started. The last time I remember it that way was in November because I remember walking in to Redhead rehearsals and putting my books down on a chair. I don't know why I remember that...
Sometime between then and now, I alternated.
I tried walking from 3rd to 4th period holding them the way I used to but it just felt uncomfortable. I felt exposed or something...like I went out in the snow with a t-shirt on.

I'm guessing its really just out of comfort. I feel like I need to hold on to something...I need it close to me, maybe.
It could also just be the fact that I feel vulnerable. When I attempted walking with my books by my side, I felt like people could see through me. It was like if someone looked at me, they would know everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Bottom line is: I hold my books like a girl.

 I'm not sure which way to go.
If there's a path I should be taking, I can't find it. I'm just getting lost.

The more I try to fix this, the more fucked up its getting.