Don’t Look Down

I knew I was going to regret not doing it. A good handful of people are angry because they thought I was going to come through. They think I'm stronger than I really am.
I couldn't even imagine myself auditioning -- let alone actually doing it.
Emma called me yesterday morning to try and convince me. It didn't work. She said she was auditioning with or without me.
I called her back around 5:30 in Old Navy and she tells me she bailed out because I wasn't there.
A lot of people are disappointed because they feel like they waste their time trying to talk to me.

Maybe they're right...
I'm not a strong person. I can't even deal with myself...I don't expect others to.


I still feel terrible...about everything. None of this is getting any easier to deal with. Its just getting worse. 
I can't handle it...
I wish I could change.

Its my fault I'm in this postition. I shouldn't have done what I did or anything that came afterwards. I can't handle sitting here alone. I can't do this alone with only my thoughts. I don't want to be hated for something as stupid as writing how I feel. I wish that I can take it back...but I can't. I'm such an ass.
I can't do this.
I don't even care if I'm not liked anymore...
I just need to be acknowledged...

I've tried to talk to other people. 
I've tried to find help. 
I've tried reading it but nothing works. 
I want to change what I did. I know it was a stupid mistake.

"If only I could find the answer to take it all away."

Listening to Christian-rock makes me feel better
I go in to this thing where I forget everything and just listen to the lyrics
I guess its the lyrics that make me feel safe or something
They always talk about how everything is going to get better

I like feeling like I'm not alone and there's someone with me

but I am alone and there's no one in the room...