Don’t Look Down

So, I trust you assholes enough to read about things I'm too afraid to say publicly.
Great way to know I have friends.
Send people all the shit I've written in private posts?
Fuck you. That's all I have to say to this shit. 

I'm finished.

I happen to view Hamlet as a very sensible human being.
Everyone says he's mad...I just think he has a lot on his mind that he's been bottling up. He just exploded. He's angry...he's depressed...his life turned to shit...he's been lied to and taken advantage of. Nobody tries to listen to him. They jump to conclusions and act on that. Nobody actually attempts to figure out what's wrong. He's been through a lot...and if he has no one to turn to, of course he's going to seem crazy. He doesn't have anyone that can relate to him or what he's been through and the one person that can help, lies straight to his face.
On top of that, he has to deal with others spying on him and listening in on his conversations. Polonius is a huge ass. He has no respect for personal privacy. He listens in on Hamlet speaking, then runs off and tells other's what he's heard. The other's listen to Polonius' news and discuss what's wrong with Hamlet. They never confront Hamlet directly. They never even try to talk about it with him. Hamlet was obviously going to be pissed when he found out. Polonius deserved to be killed. 
Hamlet is perfectly sane. 
I view both sides of the arguments...but my vote always goes towards Hamlet.
He's right.

I haven't felt this way in over a month... That all went away within the past few weeks. I felt great. Its back now and I feel terrible. 
I suppose that's what happens when I allow myself to believe everything's getting better...then it crashes.

I started doing that thing again. Its too much for me to handle. I haven't done it since January...then I did it after that Names assembly and promised myself that was going to be it...and it was. Until I crashed. I did it again today three times. I can't handle everything. I can't do it. Its too hard...

I want to leave my house but when I'm out, I want to go home. 
I sit here and think. I'm shaking so bad right now.
I had this dream last night... I was insulted by a group for being a certain way, and they talked shit. Apparently they had also brought back my past shit to use against me and told other people. They threw food at me...and started beating on me until I was almost  covered in blood. Then I woke up.
I've gotten to a place in my mind where the world feels so pointless. Why work so hard at being successfull and finding someone that makes you happy? People only hurt you more. And even if you find "the one", chances are, there's someone else out there in the world that you'd be happier with. So what if you happen to meet one of those people after "the one"? You end up hurting the person you thought you'd spend your life with.  All of the shit we worked on will be gone one day. There's no point in working at it in the first place. Its a waste of time. 
I've been listening to alot of Christian-rock lately. It makes me feel like there's...something.
I'm really dizzy.