Don’t Look Down

I re-wrote my name on the audition list... 

So many people are telling me to do it. I guess I just feel like I'm disappointing a lot of people if I don't. I've gotten everyone telling me they want me to do it, "You're going to regret it if you don't", "You're fine", "Its not that big of a deal", "Take the opportunities"...but I can't do it. I want to audition but at the same time, I just don't want to go through with it... 
If people care enough to go on about it and try to push me, I have to audition. I can't let everyone down or make them feel like they waste their time with me...
In all honesty, I'm not really sure what I want. I'm such a mess. I want so many things, but I don't have the strength to do any of it. 
I can't do the things I want to do because I care so much what others are thinking. I feel like I'm always being judged by other people. Everyone talks about me and tries to figure me out. I've been told by numerous people what's said when I'm not around. That's mostly my fault for having this journal...