Don’t Look Down

 I find it strange that most of my moments of thought occur in the shower. I just stand there and think about everything. I just think things through. I took a shower for 2 hours last night.
I thought about everything.
I don't feel lost or confused anymore. I still am...but I don't feel that way, if that makes any sense. Talking about it with him really helped. I didn't get any solid answers out of the conversation...I made myself realize how messed up I am. How I can feel something for one person but not anyone else -- it doesn't make sense. I don't know what it is about this person. I tell a friend everything I'm feeling and still walk away feeling like shit....but I say the same exact thing to this person and I feel so much better...even if it didn't fix anything -- even if I basically got the same response.
I don't know. I think its more of a comfort thing. I can talk to him about things that, normaly, would be uncomfortable to talk about with someone. I don't know why but I don't even have to worry about discussing an awkward topic when I talk to him. It just comes out and I don't feel weird about it at all. I want to be on a more friendly level...I want to talk to him whenever I need to -- just about anything -- whether its a personal issue or a crappy movie. I don't want everything to be in the back of my mind when we talk or when I see him. 
What I don't understand is why I did what I did in October if I don't feel that way about anyone else. Was it just an in-the-moment thing or was it real? I wanted it for almost 2 months beforehand. I knew I already felt that way even before it happened...but I don't anymore? Afterwards, I was almost positive that was the path I was going to take...but once the rumors went around, I think I forced myself in the other direction. I think I forced myself to not like one side but couldn't get myself to like the other... Now I'm stuck in the middle trying to pick a side...but I can't because I don't like either one anymore. I think I just fucked myself up.
I think I just need another in-the-moment thing. I'm sure that would make some sense out of this mess.
Yesterday was the first day since all this shit went down that I felt like there's a chance I can finally figure everything out.
I've been thinking about my problems 24 hours a day. There's never a time when I'm not thinking...but I finally feel like there's a chance I can make it after high school even if I fucked up the past semester with straight C's.
I think everything's finally going back to normal. I haven't felt like this in a long time.