Don’t Look Down

We're reading Hamlet in class and talking about how fucked up he got after his father was killed. Apparently the grief stage's order of occurrence changes among people.
For me, its pathetic that something is so small to everyone  and I've technically been grieving. The good news is: There's only one last stage to enter.

Denial - No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging... Thoughts that the relationship with the person is not over.
"I never was. If you've heard anything, you must have either misheard or been fed false information.
Why should I run from rumors started by misinterpretations? I've been sitting here minding my own business."
"I feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure if its because I feel like it may happen again or because it could have already happened again if I agreed."
Anger - Feelings of wanting to fight back or get even. Blaming them for leaving.
"Yeah, well fuck him. He's a self-centered asshole. All he cares about is what people are saying."
"He doesn't even want to fucking hear was I have to say. I WANT TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE"
"I need to either get back at or talking things through with this person I've been thinking about for months."
"They're all assholes. They try to act like they know how it is and they know how to deal with my shit. They try telling me I'm making a big deal over nothing. They don't know how it is. Fuck them all."
Bargaining - Attempting to make deals to stop the change or loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
"My reaction to everything was a one-time thing. If anything were to happen again, nobody would know. I would be able to hold it in because I wouldn't feel so insecure about it."
"I wish things would be the way I wanted them to be. I wish I didn't hesitate. I wish you would talk to me."
"Maybe I shouldn't have said so much. Everything would have been better off if I bottled it all up from the beginning. I unintentionally made everyone think I was traumatized and freaked out. I wasn't. That's just how my emotions came across. There would have been a chance."
Depression - overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future.
"I've cried more in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life. Saying that alone is an understatement. I feel like I'm crying all the time. I am. Everything I see; everything I listen to; everything I say; it all brings tears. I've even broken out in public and in the middle of class. I'm surprised no one has noticed. Why should they?"
"I don't have anyone anymore. I can deal with that--I have to."
Acceptance - Anger, sadness and mourning have faded. Come to terms with the reality of the loss.
.....

Gemini: Your smile will attract the attention of a charming and very intriguing stranger. .

I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want ot be. 
I don't want to sit here anymore expecting something to happen. Its not going to. I just liked the feeling of having someone to turn to during confusion and depression and have them understand where I'm coming from. I miss the feeling of having someone having the answers to my questions. I miss feeling the comfort when I first felt "it" and have my feelings of confusion disappear almost instantly. I miss having a hand to hold on to when my nerves were exploding.
I hate that I never got an answer but rather a bigger question. I hate that I was so oblivious to what was really going on. I hate that I fell in to this. I hate how I said No numerous times and it still happened because now I regret it. I hate how this wasn't even my fault. I hate how they put this on me and left. I hate that they knew what they did then treated me like shit because they didn't want to deal with it. I hate that I believed them.
I hate crying about it. Crying doesn't help, it just makes me reflect on everything. Everytime I talk about it, I cry. It just hurts so much I can't control it. I didn't need to get married or have a fucking life-long relationship. All I needed was help in knowing who I am. All I needed was someone to talk to. I want to know who I am. All this did to me was confuse me even more because I was left alone.
In all honesty, I've never felt like this in my life. I never had the need to talk to someone or even look at someone as much as I do now. 
I've never felt anything for anyone before. 
That's all that this has made me realize.
I can move on from everything that's happened but the truth is, I'm always going to feel something around them and I'm always going to have weird feelings about it.
I accept the fact that this is never going to progress from here. I accept that I never got my answers. I accept that I was manipulated in to doing something I wouldn't receive help with. I accept that I still want everything I've wanted since November.
I accept that this is over.
 What I can't accept is how much I want to do it again.