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Don’t Look Down
A Story of Evolution
Its Downright Dirty That This Old Wound Won't Heal With Time
Posted on 1/26/08 at 03:27 amI Feel: depressed
I'm Listening To: Kill Kill Kill // The Pierces
I can't sleep. I've been awake for over an hour and I'm still wide awake.
I had another dream... One of those dreams that I had every night for 3 weeks afterwards.
Every night I woke up crying... This isn't any different. I hate this. It was a long time ago. I haven't even actually thought about it since November. Now, I'm suddenly getting the same dreams.
They're those dreams that start off at a situation that actually occurred, but the ending changes. The first few dreams ended with me going through with it. After a while they ended with somebody I know witnessing it and me trying to persuade them not to tell anyone. The last dreams ended with me saying No from the beginning and going home. After that, the dreams stopped...I suppose because I realized it was a mistake.
So why did I just have a dream of the first situation? Why am I thinking about going through with it?... It was such a tormenting dream. It was so much more intense than any of the previous ones. I hate crying about everything. It makes me feel so small.
I tried going back to sleep and that obviously didn't turn out the way I intended it to.
This isn't going to get any easier. I tried to eat something. It didn't help. I ended up doing "It" -- that thing I started doing a few weeks ago. I thought I stopped but now I do it every time I feel this way.
I don't know how to make any of this go away. Now that everyone's stopped talking about it, I'm starting to have dreams.
I'm trying to forget it but for some reason I won't let myself.
...I'm so not over this.
I had another dream... One of those dreams that I had every night for 3 weeks afterwards.
Every night I woke up crying... This isn't any different. I hate this. It was a long time ago. I haven't even actually thought about it since November. Now, I'm suddenly getting the same dreams.
They're those dreams that start off at a situation that actually occurred, but the ending changes. The first few dreams ended with me going through with it. After a while they ended with somebody I know witnessing it and me trying to persuade them not to tell anyone. The last dreams ended with me saying No from the beginning and going home. After that, the dreams stopped...I suppose because I realized it was a mistake.
So why did I just have a dream of the first situation? Why am I thinking about going through with it?... It was such a tormenting dream. It was so much more intense than any of the previous ones. I hate crying about everything. It makes me feel so small.
I tried going back to sleep and that obviously didn't turn out the way I intended it to.
This isn't going to get any easier. I tried to eat something. It didn't help. I ended up doing "It" -- that thing I started doing a few weeks ago. I thought I stopped but now I do it every time I feel this way.
I don't know how to make any of this go away. Now that everyone's stopped talking about it, I'm starting to have dreams.
I'm trying to forget it but for some reason I won't let myself.
...I'm so not over this.
A Desired Explanation
Posted on 1/26/08 at 07:27 pmI Feel: confused
I'm Listening To: Lover I Don't Have To Love // Bright Eyes
I realized that its been exactly 3 months, today.
That probably explains the sudden dream reoccurrence.
Subconscious thoughts are a bitch.
What it doesn't explain is why I picked that variation of the dream. I don't understand why I dreamt I went through with everything and kept going. That also doesn't explain why it was so much more intense than the original dreams. I woke up and my heart felt like it was going to rip a hole through my chest. I was really light-headed
Why didn't I dream that nothing happened? That's what these dreams turned to once I realized it was a stupid decision.
I still know it was a huge mistake. I know that I shouldn't have done it. I thought that I didn't care anymore.
So, why are my dreams telling me otherwise?
That probably explains the sudden dream reoccurrence.
Subconscious thoughts are a bitch.
What it doesn't explain is why I picked that variation of the dream. I don't understand why I dreamt I went through with everything and kept going. That also doesn't explain why it was so much more intense than the original dreams. I woke up and my heart felt like it was going to rip a hole through my chest. I was really light-headed
Why didn't I dream that nothing happened? That's what these dreams turned to once I realized it was a stupid decision.
I still know it was a huge mistake. I know that I shouldn't have done it. I thought that I didn't care anymore.
So, why are my dreams telling me otherwise?