Don’t Look Down

 You know those days when you stay home because you have something to do...but instead, you just walk around for a few hours?
Today's one of those days.

I've done "It" twice today. Its painful doing it...but for some reason I feel like I have to. I feel like if I don't keep doing it, I'm going to go back to trying to handle all that shit that took me so long to get over. I can stop whenever I want, I just choose not to. I need to do it. I like it. This is my way to get around everything...

I should be studying for mid-terms right now. I woke up thinking, "woah. I'm totally going to finish studying today so I can go out tomorrow." 10 hours later, I only just finished my 2nd period review. It only took me about an hour. I could have finished all of my review if I actually sat down and worked. But I didn't. That's my problem. That's why my grades have plummeted. That's why I'm going to have to work 10 times harder next semester. I'm going to work harder.

I'm actually going out tonight with the intentions of having a good time. I'm not forcing myself like I've been doing in the past. I'm just going to go out and forget about everything. I want to leave the house with someone other than my mother or my sister and not feel like I'm going to regret it. At this point, all I care about is moving forward.

So. I'm trying...