Don’t Look Down

I'm done with LiveJournal.
No reason. I'm just not using it.

I'm going to start focusing more on life and less on...whatever the hell I've been doing.

Laterr.

Once there was a journal
he opened it
and wrote about his day
Because he couldn't contain it.
He titled his entry "A New Beginning"
Because that's what it was.
His mother was proud of his grades
And he went out with his best friend every weekend
Who said that she was excited for him.
The school was too crowded with people
But he made new friends.
And the guy he just met made him feel different
And told him he knew why.
He wrote about how great he felt.
He wrote about it all
then closed the book
To hide from the world
And keep his life to himself.
So he hid it in his bedroom

I hope I made the right choice.
It just seemed like a waste of time to go to these rehearsals for, literally, two scenes...especially when I don't do anything significant and my grades are tanking.
And its not as if I've gone to any of my rehearsals. Between being stacked with work and "I don't feel well", I've missed a lot. And after missing a week of school, I have no idea what's going on.
But I know I'll regret it.
I regretted it while I was saying it.

But the thing is, I don't even care about the show.


Its crazy how one specific thing can manipulate my actions...

"Hey Brandon! Go suck a dick, faggot!"

I'm lying down, half naked, in a hospital bed.
My parents just got here.
I have needles in my arm.
We're waiting for the doctor.
Then psychiatric evaluation.

Now show me something pretty.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.


Its so hard not to write in this journal every day. I'm going to stop depending on it and update in a healthy way. I'm giving myself a livejournal allowance --  once a week for now...maybe twice if it doesn't have to do with emotional stress-related shit. Then I'll lengthen the time as I progress. I'm a legit livejournal addict...and its not healthy.
I'm trying this new thing called living. Its where I take what I get and stop trying to find a reason for it. Life doesn't make sense. There's no answer to these questions. The most I can do is live it out...even if I really don't want to.
I had the worst spring break ever -- including alcohol, police, crying, midnight walks on the streets, amish country, chocolate, confusing fights with myself, and all coming to the climax of getting kicked out of my house.
But I won't get in to it because I'm not an analytical person. At least I'm trying not to be...

I'm staying after school with Gallagher tomorrow. I need to bring up my grades...
Only two more years 'till I'm out of here.

So...
I'm trying.

Stay away from LiveJournal for as long as possible.

I won't abandon it. I'm just not going to spill out my thoughts...

Just trying something new.

I still haven't said what I've been trying to say. Well -- I haven't exactly been "trying". Its been more between the whole feelings vs thoughts thing.
All I really have to do is press the Call button and keep the phone to my ear.
Then again, I've gotten that far... Then the words that come out aren't the ones I called for.

I'm so distracted by everything.
My most recent test grade: 8/100
I'm fucking up school.
I'm fucking up my life.

My life is going to turn out completely different than I want it to -- in more ways than one.
I don't want the life I know I'll get.
That's the thought that's always going through my head and controlling my actions...until I pick up the phone and realize everything will be okay...
I hate myself.

I don't know which way I should go.
I'm lost right now. Would it be better off to run and hope I find my way...or turn back and start from the beginning?
I want to say yes so badly. I just feel weird saying it. I should have answered the second I was asked.
I want to give a response to this. I'm sick saying nothing all the time. It doesn't get me anywhere.

I don't know who I am...
I want to agree and say yes. I have to...
On the positive side,  I'll know the answer to who I am. Definitely.
On the other hand... I'll know the answer to who I am...

I'm afraid to find out...but at the same time, I want to find out. I have to before I do something I can't undo.
The past few months, I thought this would fix it. I know it will.
My feelings are telling me to do it...its just my thoughts that are stopping the answer from coming out of my mouth.

That's been my problem the whole time -- I know how I feel...but my thoughts are telling me its wrong.

I really regret not auditioning for Funny Girl.
I've learned that I can't let my nerves control me because all it leads to is poor decisons.
I made a phone call.
I'm in the ensemble.

I'm glad I'm starting to build up the courage to fight my nerves. Maybe I'll be able to say what I want to say sometime soon.

I thought this was getting easier.
I still get these overwhelming feelings when I'm around a lot of people. I'm not very subtle about it -- hugging a pillow, avoiding eye-contact, sitting outside alone for over an hour...
I just can't handle being around people.
I had a massive headache but I couldn't do anything about it because someone stole my painreliever while we were performing.

I wish I could have said something in person. I wish I could have gone back inside. I should have said something.
I'm an idiot.

My recent entries have all been set to private.
I don't want people knowing anything about me anymore...

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to a moment and stay there.
I wasn't insecure. I wasn't afraid. I never thought about anything other than what was in front of me.
I felt so sure.
I didn't feel ugly. I didn't feel like I needed to change. I didn't feel like it was wrong.
I didn't need to stare in the mirror to try and figure out who I am.
The thoughts I have now didn't exist.
I just wish that feeling could have lasted instead of turning in to this.
If you had told me that I would be nearly killing myself because of that moment...it would have never crossed my mind.
I was in a completely different place than where I am today.
I want to leave...


And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend.

Becky went to go see Bare in Bellmore, NY on Saturday. Of course she asked me if I wanted to go.
Bare is amazing.
I already had a ride. All I needed was $20.
I ask my parents for the okay. Since my mom has never heard of it, she wanted to know what the show's about. She looks it up online.
My parents didn't let me go because Bare is about two high school guys...that are gay.
That was their reason.
They weren't even subtle and tried, "Its too short notice." or "Its too far away." Just...something.
When they found out, my mom sort of laughed and my dad rolled his eyes. I just kind of stood there awkwardly and tried not to act weird.
So, I didn't go see it.
Becky told me it was a terrible performance anyways so I'm not that upset anymore.

At least not about missing the show.

I have nowhere left to turn.
I want to talk to this person so badly. Its literally killing me. I'm just afraid because actually speaking in person is my last option. But if they decide they don't want to deal with me and say that they can't help...
I guess I just feel like there's still a way out...but if I turn to them and they turn away, I'll be alone.
...More alone. Then I would only have one other choice.

I just hate having these feelings and realizing that its pointless.
I wish there was a way...


I've resorted to going to other people for painkillers. I went around during rehearsal. Elissa said she had Midal but I didn't want to grow a vagina or something. Thankfully, Carly had Advil. I don't even think it was really Advil. She had them in a prescription bottle and gave me a good amount. My head stopped throbbing after a while. I'm starting to question if I have a legit headache or if I'm imagining it. I sound like such a druggie.

I just wish there was a way to escape this...or make it easier.

I'm not getting anywhere.
I try...but I fail. Every time.
I should be walking straight... Instead I'm going around in circles.

My stomach feels like its going to explode.
I tried taking aspirin but it just made it worse.
Maybe he's right... I need to quit popping pills.
I passed out for a little while. I'm not sure if it was out of pain or lack of sleep.

If I just open up my mouth and say "I want to talk to you", I wouldn't need to resort to the things I've been resorting to.
I want it more than anything but I'm too afraid to even say so.

I need to stop going down this road of using drugs, alcohol and hurting myself to escape my fears.
I'm afraid one day I'll take it too far.

I try to think of how I can get passed this. I'm trying to think of a future...And I don't see anything.
I don't want to end up the way I feel that I will.


Still you know
There’s so much more to find –
Another dream, another love you’ll hold.

This whole "happy" thing is so much harder than it sounds.
Eventually the emo in me overflows.

Its hard to be around people. Its even harder to be alone. I don't know where to go.
People make me feel insecure. But I'm scared when I'm alone.
I'm so confused about everything. All I know is that I need to talk...

I want this to go away. I'm afraid of everything.
I wish I could just open my mouth and say "I need to talk to you." but I'm too afraid to even do that.
The only time I can get myself to speak up is when I scare myself so much, I'm afraid I won't be able to control what I do...so then I get the courage to speak.
I can't keep this up.
And my head won't stop pounding...

How did a simple thing get complicated?
Days crawl by, I ask myself again,
Should I have waited?
In a world that's quick to judge,
I will try to understand.
It's so hard to find your way
When you have no voice to guide you.

The more I contain my feelings in public,
the worse they come out when I'm alone.

I'm so afraid of life, I don't even know what to do anymore.

So much left to say
Trapped alone here
Soul search, seeking some lost answer
From a God who loves me

Can I turn to You in my need?
Would You take me back or watch me bleed?
Are You there? There at all?
And as I fall from the person that I tried to be
Could You really love someone like me?

Day one of containing depression/confusion/myself :

It was pretty successful. I kind of felt the way I did before my fall.
Granted, there were a few shitty, freaked-out moments of the day. For the most part, it worked.
Its weird because I still have that feeling where my stomach sinks and my chest tightens out of fear...but I can still act as if I'm okay. Its not the best feeling but it may go away in time.
I think I can keep this up.

Only about 32,000 days left.
That shouldn't be too hard...right?

I'm not sure how long I can go covering this up.
I almost said it to them once before. I was so freaked out about it. Thankfully I didn't say what I was thinking...or I probably did but I tend to mumble. Thank God that I can't speak English properly.
I know I'll probably feel better once I just let it out and say it. On the other hand, its most likely going to be used against me like its been in the past. I should probably just continue to try and shut it out of my thoughts...even if it doesn't work... How long until this goes away? The feelings are still here. Its been months of convincing myself otherwise.
As long as they don't ask me about it...and I stay away from alcohol, I'll be fine.
Its hard for me to lie about this. Its even harder to fight myself. I'm such a stubborn bitch...

I have two personalities: 'what I want' and 'what I feel'.
Unfortunately, feelings are stronger than thoughts.
A man can convince himself to think a certain way, but his feelings don't listen.

I'm so confused about everything.  Being alone only causes more thinking which then causes more confusion. I should probably speak to them and let everything come out -- find out how I truly feel rather than how I want to feel.
Maybe I should just open my mouth.